hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
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2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Help Wanted
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Straight people are cancelled
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house