Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
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Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*