Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.