The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Shoo shoo! 😂
accurate
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm