@rolldiggity: Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out
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@ThRealBallsDeep: Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok? Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande's "Dangerous Woman"* I'm ok...allergies are bad.
@OhSweetCharity: If you love someone, set them free. When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
@AbrasiveGhost: INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put "has dominion over bees"? ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
@bea_ker: That's the third time Adam Sandler's scootered past my house this morning. Dude if you want to go on my trampoline just ask