My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too