@rolldiggity: Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out
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@dumbbeezie: Shopping with friend "Look, triangle-shaped tupperware for your leftover pizza!" Me: "What's leftover pizza?
@AnOrangeSNES: On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number. Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
@Ryan_Patricks: My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
@iamspacegirl: [after blowing out all the candles on my cake] him: Did you wish for world peace again? me: haha of course. *A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*