Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.