My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Can’t stop laughing
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”