Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.