Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
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The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
The asteroid..
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.