Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.