Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
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Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
the battle rages on
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.