astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”