[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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❤️🦆
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Proctology is located in A55
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish