The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
handsome & gretel