@Kyle_Lippert: Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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@dubstep4dads: ladies say I'm a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I'm uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
@lovemydogduck: Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween... best hate sex we ever had.
@FattMernandez: You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
@ilovepie84: I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.