@Kyle_Lippert: Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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@cosmicbibi: My hobbies include humming the Jurassic Park theme song to my chickens, to make them feel more in touch with their ancestors.
@Papa_Mex: I've learned a lot about women. Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way
@MatCro: [office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
@Ristolable: 100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you're within five miles of anything right now, move.