Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
All set.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT