the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
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Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*puts my mental health in rice
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.