@ManvAlcohol: Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you're no detective.
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@Skullcat: Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It's only 3 digits & he said it's only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: Have you seen my curling iron? Me: ...umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer? Wife: ... Me: No, I have not seen it.
@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.