Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
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Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter