Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be