Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!