My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
fair
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy