Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Happy thanksgiving!
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”