[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️