One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
You Might Also Like
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Sign at work today
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.