“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.