Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone