Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.