Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life