It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.