I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
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I love you…
…r dog.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.