People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
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Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
never compromise your values
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.