What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
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Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
wtf is an acronym
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.