Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
road rage
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot