Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my dog when i have a friend over
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.