BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you