[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
In case you needed to hear it:
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.