Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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Finally a use for spoilers…
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Strangers have the best candy.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.