“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Damn what did I do next
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.