I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Pigeon open mic night.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.