@MoistPork: Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let's make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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@LuckoftheDraw86: Me: hey what's this weird lump? WebMD: could be cancer. Me: it's a raisin stuck to my elbow... WebMD: you have two weeks.
@68Cly29: Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
@dafloydsta: WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
@3sunzzz: You can't leave the aquarium with a penguin. It's a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop. Ma'am, it's moving. I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!