Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.