I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
all that yoga finally paid off
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”