@bourgeoisalien: Having a kid is great because it's basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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@crmotwo: Sherlock: *deep breath* You're a drinker, whiskey's your poison but mum doesn't approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it's too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy. Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma'am, he’s in training here's your tall blonde roast
@bombscribe: If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have? No chance of blocking an uppercut.
@lloydrang: "I really thought by now we'd all have robots," he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world's knowledge.