Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.