Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
guilty
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*