@panmidwest: Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
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@TheMichaelRock: It's sad that we live in a world where we'll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
@XplodingUnicorn: [5-year-old and 3-year-old scream at each other] Me: Is that how your mom and I settle arguments? 5: You want me to sleep on the couch?
@awkwardphilippe: [Pizza falls on the ground] Hold HOLD! -Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.
@orange_rhymer: Me: I invited Todd over for dinner. Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally? *Todd exits out the back door with our television*