[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”