[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
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Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife