Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
.. do you even science?
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.