@MensHumor: Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn't.
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@rickolantern: The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there's no need for traps.
@OneTrickTofani: "GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"
@SeanBlazed: Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They're still gone and that was weird advice.
@T_Bonezzz_: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because my tires look like donuts? Cop: Get out