@MensHumor: Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn't.
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@ojedge: WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] "Of course I do."
@GrillinChillin9: Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby. Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I'm going to out live you too.
@captainkalvis: ANCHOR: we now go live to our new field meteorologist who will issue a storm warning ME: *pointing at the sky* DON'T. YOU. DARE.
@RdrJay47: I'm sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can't afford to get sick right now.