@MensHumor: Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn't.
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@ericsshadow: CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
@NintenDom: Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits.
@Ygrene: [my coffin lowering into the grave] wait guys shouldn’t I be dead [coffin starts lowering faster]
@WilliamAder: Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.