@MensHumor: Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn't.
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@causticbob: USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
@markedly: GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life's mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you. ME: voicemail? ugh
@david8hughes: [taking baby's shoes off & examining the soles] "Oh look, completely clean. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere."