Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
fair
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account