Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I identify as an antique shop.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Unimpressed
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.