YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.