Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
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WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Pretty much. 🤣
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind