Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
step 6: release the wall snake
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Sorry. Not sorry
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.