Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Merica.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI