@BlotterMonkey: Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can't put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can't really fly -next"
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@TheDailySchmuck: *wakes up after all night party* *rolls over* *rolls over* *rolls over* How did I get on this escalator?
@AndyAsAdjective: "Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?" "Sweetie, I'm pretty sure he's a dog."
@KeetPotato: [5 mins after seeing our neighbour's new boat] wife: "everything's a competition to you" me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] "no it's not"